What's A Month?

So, Amy and I have decided to put off another insemination until June . . . we have some stressful events coming up and decided together that it would be best to take a month off. What's a month? A long time in the midst of this process. I know deep down that this is a sensible, smart decision, and will provide some time and space to breathe and work on relaxation and managing anxieties. Yet it still causes a forlorn feeling inside me, almost an emptiness.

I know that I need to work on my anxieties. When it comes to this process, both when we got pregnant with Cullen and this time around, my anxieties seem to consume me. I'm frequently worried about timing, are we doing everything correctly, will it work this time, how long will it take? My mind is often like a war zone, all these thoughts racing through my head and me trying incessantly to quiet them, reaching for a reassurance (or reassurances) to hold on to, to calm me. When the reassurance I need is napping right across the hall--my beautiful, sweet, mischievous blond-haired boy that I gave birth to.

I'm going to try my hardest to take this time to relax, keep meditating, blogging, taking walks, eating better, and anything else I discover that may help. Here's to staying relaxed and remaining hopeful.

Sad

So . . . I discovered this morning that I am not pregnant--this time. I'm sad, I'm disappointed, but I also know that I have to work on being positive (although, for those reading that have actually met me, you're probably laughing or shaking your head). I'm still amazed at myself for sharing this with the free world, but I find it therapeutic, so it can't be so bad. Plus, if I'm going to share with all of you that we've tried, and then not share with you the outcome, my level of commitment to this blog wouldn't seem very high, would it?

When our attempts are unsuccessful, I always find myself in the midst of many different questions and emotions: "Why didn't it work this time," "Is there something wrong with me," "Did we do something wrong?" I simultaneously remind myself that Amy and I successfully created a beautiful little boy and I am very able to be pregnant. I also try to remember that we are a powerhouse--we always work hard to get what we want and we are not ones to give up. Although I may not always be victorious on my personal journey to achieve constant (or just frequent) positivity, those few thoughts bring me solace and comfort. I just have to work at it more than most.

As I sit here, faced with another couple weeks of tracking and waiting, I try to look at it as an opportunity to work on things that help me relax: meditation (my last several attempts have left me far from satisfied), keeping up with my blog, and just making it through each day without feeling overly stressed while learning to let the little things go.

Cullen's little brother or sister will be here eventually, it just doesn't seem to be on my time.

The Waiting Is . . .

So we are in the waiting stage of our second attempt; just the fact that I have typed that, knowing full-well anyone in the world could read it, is a huge step for me. When Amy and I were trying to get pregnant with Cullen, the first couple times I was so confident, I would tell EVERYONE with such high hopes. Then I was faced with explaining that I wasn't pregnant two weeks later. So then I stopped talking. But five tries total and Cullen entered our lives . . . We couldn't be happier.
And here we are again. It's surreal at times, although I don't know why, really. It's exciting, happy, stressful, mysterious, fun, and sad (when it doesn't work). I watch an infant in my day care now that Cullen is totally attached to--I love watching him love on her, guard her, and want to help me with every aspect of her care (he's a very good helper!). And I can't help but think, "I can't wait to see him with his baby brother or sister."
So every try causes my hyper-sensitivity to kick into overdrive. "Should I eat this?" "Should I take that medicine?" "What if when I picked that up or bent that way, I caused something to go wrong?" And the most prevalent, "I'm so stressed! What if that is affecting my ability to get pregnant?" Sigh. Every new day brings a myriad of new worries and concerns. But this is me. This was me when I got pregnant with Cullen and it's me now. Being stressed, worrying, it's all a part of my personality. So I'm trying not to fight it anymore. Rather, I'm just trying to accept it. I know we will be a family of four soon (six, including my two stepchildren!), stress and all.
A funny tidbit I'll leave you with: I actually had someone ask me how we get pregnant and when I explained that we use a syringe instead of a penis, they said, "Oh, I thought you had to have surgery or something!" Hmmm . . . Really? Where would people be if they didn't have lesbians to educate them?!!!

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Cool dude.